hanizzleface

I think that when I have my sitcom phase in life (reference: the short period of time where I will have my own prime time sitcom on cable television (so I can use the f word and all that)) that I will have different children every show so that my viewers will talk about it and say things like "WHAT! how did she have a red head boy last week and Asian twins this week, she is crazy yo'"
I think it's an exceptionally excellent idea PATENT PATENT.

Last night, I played a very intense and passionate game of Scrabble with Mary Scott and Kristin and a very high Landon who "helped me."  For the benefit of other future scrabble players I would like to inform you that "jei" can be used to obtain a triple word score because it means

Tonight I saw a prophet for free, an island (though he said he wasnt) in this sea of faces, some gaping some empty some extra credit eyed like the differences in tide. He spoke of moon mothers, women and their sacred bodies how they created the world and he doesnt buy that "bitches aint shit" shit anymore and he would like to call the "seven doctors do re la mi fa so oh" to sing "on the fire escapes of her soul", said that hip hop was dying a shamanic death and we got this race pride all wrong. I watched him defeat the false impressions each had in his pocket he aint a nigga for a nigger and don't forget it every b-baller looking for a new teammate. He is a league of his own and so out of mine. Intrusively, he opened the mind of this third row girl and spoke of the rationality of love as it is in her dusty mind(she had forgotten this was her reason) love as a 100% equation she has to distribute it perfectly, mom dad 25/25 brother 15 and 15 for sound, and the rest is for the lover she hasnt found and for the friends who sometimes don't call her back. He spoke of his yellow cousin, ghost of a gypsy and jolted every goddess who had been invaded. He explained how words are a wheel and the spokes keep them going, but he himself is not in love with words. He's so much more than sheer white words, he's ranting about experience and knowledge and never forgetting we are humans filled with regret and remorse and hate and internal noise and we will never get past that and why would we? Words are his vehicle, the ice and he will have you fooled they mean more than what they masquerade. No longer can I say I just like the way that poem ran together it's all about meaning now. He has found God through himself and she (it's a she) has let him be anything but oh he made it seem like just tonight was his calling as he stared wholly into every question he was asked like it was equal to the mystery of creation. He made me want to be worthwhile.

Dear ___________(fool)
You are invited to a suck fest:



Starring:

the new and improved Modest Mouse brah!

To celebrate:
Our severely disappointing new album.

Please bring:
A guest (maybe a member from Fall Out Boy or someone equally lame (as we are now))
Money, to buy our commercial shit (we have new shirts!)
Issac his voice back.

Please DO NOT bring:
Drugs (we might take them and write a good song.)
Real fans (they will cry)



Thank you limewire, for giving us all a chance to laugh without paying for this shit.

SO, I have nothing real to say except I love some people and I don't love others. I am tired but I'm waiting for a phone call. I think I will always be your/that Planned Parenthood friend. I am worried about adult things like credit card debt.
I think it's strange that the most beautiful people I know are insecure, that others are cocky. I don't really think I need lithium, but I said I'd try it anyway. If things work out I will get an entire month of vacation in beautiful __________(not Charlotte).
I went to Asheville this weekend, I am really sick of being around drugs. Bryce is making very good friends. I'm jealous. I am calling my brother. Off topic? WHat?

so if there is one band I love most dearly it's modest mouse. and can I say I loved them so much before they got famous and you cant beat me at song trivia and the lyrics I carry around in my head for all uses. they have a new CD out on the 20th and Im wondering if I should buy it because after 3 shows, and Good News For People Who Love Bad News I accepted the fact that they had offficially sold out and I sampled a few songs from the new album and his voice sounds so clear like everything I hated from that album and it makes me so sad because I remember the last spring before everyone else in the world found out they existed and I would drive around with Katie B listening to Trailer Trash and everything smelled like Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana and I lived in the same place that Brian lives now. Everything has seemed to seem so much darker lately. In Charlotte I mean. I have let myself fall into people who are very opposite, one in particular I fell into very hard and she is from those Modest Mouse Katie B days but Katie B took her then (strange how I keep looping into the same places but with some new faces)and now its all too complicated to explain why Im so attached to people who have inflicted pain on themselves purposely. I feel decieved, and like an outsider to a private pain they all share.
I think when all is said and done I'm light. I will always be bright but I think Im done with that hippy shit for awhile. I crave something real so badly. I want to fall in love. but I want to be free more and shit just cant be and goddamnit I have discovered that I was really naiive. I want to be a good person, but the devils got me thinking why.

I think my favorite quote ever is:
I am fortune's fool.

On topic construction has never been appealing, my thoughts go everywhere especially as I fall asleep and pretty much all the time. Why would we pretend otherwise? Jump on in my mind and I'll promise you'll never get off.

There is no way I can be here next year, I can't even believe I'm saying that because this semester has been SO much better. I want to get it together, and do something real. It is 75 degrees today, this makes me overjoyed. I am done with my FAFSA, and my UNCA application (which comes with an essay I really like because its not a bullshit list of achievements, here you should read it because it isnt boring and then you should tell me that it's good so I will feel more confident about getting into someplace other than the school with the lowest retention rate in the NC University system:)

The Barrel of Wisdom
Hannah Whittington
At the age of four I climbed into a barrel on the playground of Open Door Preschool. It was only after I climbed into the container three feet taller than me that I realized: I couldn’t get out. For most four year olds this would pose no remarkable obstacle, it would be as easy as crying for that adult help that is instantaneously granted to those with limited motor skills. This memory is significant solely because the adult on duty did not worry about the growing line of red mini-vans with mothers waiting to retreive their children. She was not at all concerned with the fact that I could see my own mother through a small hole and had begun to cry in utter frustration. The mentality of an extremely anxious toddler can actually support the possibility that he or she will actually be stuck in a barrel forever. The adult on duty was a hardcore teacher; she had a daisy on her car antenna that I could also see through my hole. She told me "Hannah, if you got yourself into the barrel, you can certainly get yourself out." That was that. My mother waited for what seemed like five hundred and eleven years to while I constructed some sort climbing device to get myself out and quite surprisingly I did. Yes, I lived to tell this story. I also learned how valuable the moral is.
Since Open Door School I have not climbed in another barrel...physically. Instead I have climbed into problems with complexities that are a lot more dense than a large wooden container. I still see my old pre-school teacher because we go to the same church, now she has an ample amount of wrinkles, a dead husband, and a faded yellow daisy on her car antenna. Her name is Sue. She grew very old while I grew up and it really helped bring the process of change into focus . It would be unnecessary to call change inevitable, that statement is obvious.
My existence is a struggle for that oh so anticipated transition to independence. I am a problem solver thus I get myself out of every barrel…eventually. I would much rather help than be helped. But I have no objections to the help offered by wise guides that I was hoping to meet in college. My aunt says this is classical behavior of a Sagittarius, I say: "You really believe that stuff?" Some might confuse memorization with learning, I feel obligated to set them straight. With tactics suggested by a good teacher, I can probably memorize the Articles of Confederation. But that’s not learning, it's merely quoting and shooting off facts as if they are defective fireworks. Quoting in the place of teaching is a outlet for the uncertain and neurotic, an easy path. However, knowledge and actual learning is a universal gift. My favorite quote has always been one in Conrad's Heart of Darkness when the Russian Trader says of Kurtz; "He enlarged my mind." By senior year of high school, I felt like burning every "worksheet" I saw. I was in dire need of some "mind enlarging."
I wanted college to be passionate conversations with worldly professors under trees. I wanted to meet people that were enthusiastic about getting some real learning done. But when I got to Western Carolina I was severely disheartened. It seemed like reading was so "uncool", that classes were a pain (at least to those who actually went.) Honestly, I feel like I have gotten myself into another barrel. Now that I have researched UNCA more, and listened to what my peers have to say about it, I am hoping I will be accepted so that I can embark on a more academically and culturally enriching journey. We are spinning right now, the clock is ticking and I feel like I have a limited amount of time to find the right college. My first experience in a barrel is just the first of many times when the world spun around me. Barrels are unavoidable, but I will never stay in one. I will see the world or die trying.


Also today, Im sad because I feel like everyone is more creative than me. :( frowny.

It seems like every time I go to class I am reminded that the world is ending. It is usually not even a alarmist environmentalist professor either but more like a smart one. Smart people know the world is ending soon. Point blank.
Being smart just subtracts from my dwindling level of motivation. I would like to be one of those stop the war save the oil alternative fuel is the answer mannn activists on the lawn but frankly I just don't have the energy so I am one of those well shit if the world is ending that means I don't have to do anything right? people. I hate those people.
I would like to schedule a rude awakening please. A- sap.

I am also making a documentary this summer if a.)I don't get lazier, b.)I decide it's not just a pipe dream and c.)I get some funding hopefully from mom's best friend champion real life filmmaker.
Here are some research photos I took yesterday after getting lost in the boonies but eventually finding the location:





They are pre-Civil War structures from the town where my mom went to boarding school, the documentary will be about the boarding school though. Interesting history. If it works out I will be very surprised but also very excited.

Yes I do feel bad for that girl and for you because you were handed one of life's good ole fucked up predicaments. And each time you looked at me and said "fuck, don't let me. don't let me fuck up" I slipped further down into the impossible. And yes, I am scared to hold your hand in the mall, to call you on the phone, and no I am not. I am not afraid to let you kiss the crevice between my stomach and hipbones that's oh so insatiable. You see it's fun being a bad girl, kissing your neck while you're on the phone with her, I know I know it makes me crazy flawed and I wish human desire wasn't so complicated no I don't I think it's perfect to want something you can't have. I can't have you but I definitely did, first in my mind and then things came to life but know I wasn't planning it.
Somewhere I have buried my sensibility under my skin and I am so tired of thinking, I've never felt I was sleeping under these sentimental ideals but damn I'm learning quickly. Shit happens.

In the delta sun, down in Arkansas
It’s the great god bird with its altar call
And the sewing machine, the industrial god
On the great bayou were they saw it fall
It’s the great god bird down in Arkansas
And the hunters beware, or the fishers fall
And paradise might close from its safe flight flawed
It’s the great god bird through it all

And the watchers beware, lest they see it fall
And paradise might laugh when at last it falls
And the sewing machine, the industrial god
It’s the great god bird with it’s altar call
Yes, it’s the great god bird with its altar call
Yes, it’s the great god bird through it all

Some filmmakers are less obvious, they will make up a show and the leading actor will stare at the lens with these piercing and bottomless blue eyes, the kind that go on forever and they will know you like you've never been known. They will hold you in their scene forever but eventually the lights go up and you realize the whole audience has been held hostage by the same eyes. You were just an audience member, but I could have sworn he only had eyes for you.

I have learned everything I know from movies, I will collage all the cinematic moments I lived in after all I saw them on screen they spoke to me. I will smile like Audrey Hepburn and when I am not smiling I will wear lots of black mascara and smoke French cigarettes in the rain I will tremble dramatically like a heroin addict and cry my eyes empty because damn those parts are so beautiful and I want someone to look at me and think:
She would be perfect in a movie.

He was a filmmaker, I am a filmmaker, You are without a doubt a filmmaker too, rewinding and acting composing this infinite script and you will love everyperson in your movie and rightfully so. We were all born for this and nothing else.

Everyday validates the notion that nothing is real, our reality is just film rolling and I should edit out the parts I don't like but remember they were there so I don't shoot it that way again. I have filled my film with a lot of B movie actors, liars and sinners, the questionable and the questions, there have been sections of gold like when the sun hits a room right and certainly patches of blue.

My film is filled with Andy Warhols, Fred Astaires, people I filmed accidentally whom ended up captivating me, and it was two cameras facing off for a second but on film it's permanent.